We want so bad not to be at the beginning of some great endeavor.
We would sale our souls- a life time of ups and downs- for a Warholian minute of fame.
Nobody likes feeling unsure though we pay a price by only endorsing feelings of certainty.
I am at the beginning of finally letting go of any pretense or ambition to work at a job that is structured to benefit people whom are corporate board members.
I know I can say that more nicely, or find expression that is closer to what I mean.
I am 53.
It’s like it all ends there, an avalanche of notions slamming me back to earth.
But just as well, there is a new understanding (an insight) that I am running out of time; that we are allotted only so much; that one either hangs onto a dream, an ambition or one lets slip away any thoughts that held you up, that smacked of an irrationality that most people seem to want to beat out of us.
I want to be creative 24/7.
That is a given.
Just as well, I want to feed and house my family.
I don’t have the option of not providing, it’s imperative but whose to say I have to make money by doing something that is not creative.
I can follow through on pursuing single mindedly a role I have defer.
I have set back and watched others choose to be openly artist. Coming out is hard no matter what you have closeted.
But once that door is open, the affect is liberating.